Photo: Laura Evans Photos
Just when I was gaining some momentum working on my blog, on the 23rd November 2015 (one day after my 37th birthday) I found out that I was pregnant.
My husband and I were delighted that all my self care and dedicated work to heal my PCOS had paid off with conception on our second try. And I was quietly pretty stoked that I had become pregnant just before my 37th birthday so had technically sneaked in as a 36 year old.
Then the reality of pregnancy kicked in, hormones, tiredness and nausea mixed in with the joy, naps, excitement while juggling teaching yoga and design work. My website became a little forgotten with good reason.
On the 5th of January 2016, at 10 weeks pregnant our world fell apart with one ultrasound. Our baby had no heartbeat and had died.
My life has been a blur since then. The grief, the anger, the pain and then there is the incredible fact that it would take seven long weeks before my body would release the remains of our baby. Not to mention that when this finally did occur, I would be driving 3 hours to a solo retreat and my miscarriage would happen completely alone and hours away from my support people.
I don’t want to turn this solely into a miscarriage blog, but I also honour that has been a huge, life-changing event which I will no doubt be processing in blog posts as I try to make sense of it all. In fact this has been without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Domestic abuse, a relative sent to prison, being cheated on, losing my father. Nothing has come close to the level of grief I experienced and continue to work my way through each day.
My life has become defined by this event, now split into before the miscarriage and after the miscarriage. As I heal, I am okay with that.
I am working on some new posts, both about my experience and some non-miscarriage topics. In the mean time, here are some honest pieces of writing I did for elephant journal and The Yoga Connection.
Coping with miscarriage: why I refuse to suffer in silence
The Yoga Connection
Miscarriage: A secret club
Feel free to reach out in the comments, if you’ve experienced the pain of miscarriage or supported a loved one through this loss.
With love and blessings